Rick Santorum
Now the real me really wants to say that I hope Rick Santorum has the displeasure of unlubricated anal sex with a sex-deprived prisoner with more or less the same measurements as Mandingo to the point where his anus starts to bleed… but that would just be mean.
However, I will say Rick Santorum is an embarrassment to Republicans, Catholics, and the entire United States of America because, deduced from what he’s said, if you are not a straight, white, christian, american then your rights become “privileges” and as president, Rick Santorum, alone, reserves his right to take them away. Marriage is a privilege not a right; the availability contraceptives is a privilege not a right; and serving in the military is a privilege not a right. You know, because right after you leave the courthouse, the recruiting office, or the drug store you should head right over to the local Capitol Building and get on your knees, North Korean style, and say “thank you” to Congress for preserving the rights granted to you by the founding fathers about 200 years ago. Or better yet, to make it simpler, for those out-of-towners, we should get down and pray facing Washington D.C. three or four times a day to give thanks… you know… Saudi style.
He’s like that little boisterous fuck that we all knew in high school who always had an opinion, but nobody listened to because we all knew he was crazy. I miss the days when Rick was at the back of the stage begging for attention at the debates because, rightly, nobody remotely gave a shit about what he had to say. But thanks to butt-fucking, corn-picking Iowa, a state where people feel marrying and breeding with your toothless sister is okay but Neil Patrick Harris’ wedding is not, Rick Santorum gets his moment in the sun.
So, in all, ThingCalledMagic will not be endorsing Rick Santorum (as if anyone really gives a shit about what we have to say about the election), we will not respect his candidacy, nor will we respect his right to reproduce. Rick Santorum, do America a favor and jump off a fucking bridge. Or better yet, jump off the Golden Gate Bridge so that on the way you can shake hands with a couple of gays. They’re not so bad. And before you ask, no you won’t contract AIDS from a handshake I promise.
*My only apology is that this is not actually a video
